Tuesday, June 19, 2012

hammerhead vs. pants

Hammerhead summoned me to her desk to supposedly discuss something important but instead told me all about her new pants while I stood in direct line of her fan, which was blowing her hot dog smell right at me.

Hammerhead:  I think I'm really going to like these pants. They've got pockets! But I hate this drawstring thingy around the waist.

Me:  Just pull it out and throw it away.

Hammerhead:  Oh, I can't throw anything away.  Here's what I do with pants drawstrings: instead of throwing em in the poopercan, I collect them all to braid them together and make a cat toy out of em!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

hammerhead vs. esl trainee

A Polish lady who doesn't speak a whole lot of English is receiving instruction from Hammerhead in the art of data entry. She just timidly arrived and was accosted by both Hammerhead and Sharon.

Hammerhead [talking extra loudly in an attempt to bridge the language barrier]: Well, THERE you are. Have a seat!

[Lady sits down.]

Sharon: NO no no, she can't sit in that seat! Anne's still here! That's Anne's seat!

[Lady looks scared and stands back up.]

Hammerhead: NO, it's okay!

[Lady sits back down.]

Sharon: I don't think so, Anne's going to throw a fit! You get another chair!

Hammerhead: (to Sharon) YOU JUST GET OUT OF HERE AND LET ME HANDLE IT!

[Sharon stalks away.]

Hammerhead: (to Polish lady) Now sit down! Put your purse away! That's right, put it right here! NO, right THERE! That's a girl! There you go! Now type your name in this space.

[Polish lady studies the keys.]

Hammerhead: [erupting in wheezing laughter] You don't know your name, huh?

[At this point I put my headphones on cause I feel too sorry for the
lady.]

SCENE

Monday, March 26, 2012

hammerhead vs. MDMA

Hammerhead: Remember those appetite suppressants that were like caramels? Well, they used to make these diet aids and put them in caramel candies and they were so good. Shit, no wonder I couldn't lose any weight on them cause I'd eat the whole box.

Me: Wow. That's like taking a bunch of meth.

Hammerhead: Well they were damn good, whatever they were!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

hammerhead vs. distinguished client

Hammerhead: [to distinguished office visitor waiting to talk to the boss] Would you like some coffee?

Visitor: Why yes, thank you.

Hammerhead: How do you take it?

Visitor: With cream.

Hammerhead: Just cream? No sugar?

Visitor: Right.

Hammerhead: What kind of cream?

Visitor: Uh, just plain old regular cream I guess.

Hammerhead: We have irish coffee cream, vanilla cream, and hazelnut cream.

Visitor: Oh, well then, how about vanilla.

Hammerhead: None of the creams are low-fat, is that okay with you?

Visitor: Um, yes, that's fine.

Hammerhead: Okay, and how much sugar do you take it with?

Visitor: Oh, I don't know, not much. Just a bit.

Hammerhead: You know what, why don't YOU just go get the coffee yourself?

hammerhead vs. the forward button

Hammerhead: Hey, did you get the email that I sent you? The one that had a poem about a guardian angel watching over you?

Me: [through clenched teeth] Yes. Thank you.

Hammerhead: I love those poems. Whenever someone forwards them to me I print them out. I have stacks and stacks of them!

Friday, February 24, 2012

hammerhead vs. dr. atkins

Hammerhead: I got me this bag of Philadelphia cream cheese packets at Costco last night. 50 count! It's my new snack.

Me: Cream cheese? All by itself?

Hammerhead: Yeah. You know how I’m on Atkins? Got no carbs. I eat it like this. (She rips open a packet and squirts it into her mouth.)

Me: Oh. My. God.

Hammerhead: Hey, it doesn't have any sugar so LAY OFF.

(At the end of the day I saw the bag in her trash can with two packets left in it, which means she ate forty-eight packets of cream cheese that day.)

Sunday, February 19, 2012

hammerhead vs. downtown julie brown

[Hammerhead is wearing a knee-length blue skirt made out of t-shirt material, a white slip with lace edging hanging way below it, white socks and tennis shoes, bare bumpy veiny legs flapping in the breeze, and an orange t-shirt that said I LOVE MY ATTITUDE PROBLEM. She and the new lady are discussing their new favorite show "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here."]

Hammerhead: I just love that Downtown Julie Brown. You'd think she'd be a wimp because she has a British accent, but she completes all her missions!

New Lady: And Melissa Rivers wore a diaper full of maggots!

Hammerhead: Yeah! She groused about it, but she got the job done!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

hammerhead vs. communal chocolate

Bethany: One of the doctors sent us Godiva for Valentine's. So there are 12 chocolates and 12 people in the office so everyone take only one.

Hammerhead: Oh you know I can't do that.

[She grabs two and puts them both in her mouth.]

Bethany: Hammerhead! That's not fair! And you have diabetes!

[Hammerhead pretends not to hear her. Five minutes later she skulks over to the Godiva box and takes another one.]

Bethany: That's it, Hammerhead. I'm putting the box away.

Hammerhead: Can I at least have the box when it's empty?

Monday, January 30, 2012

hammerhead vs. fender bender

Hammerhead: Did you hear about the big wreck on I-5 last night? Well, my daughter was in the middle of it.

Me: OH MY GOD! Is she okay?

Hammerhead: Yeah, she's fine. She's real heavy. She's got a lot of padding. They got in the wreck cause they'd been drinking. And I asked "Did you have your seatbelts on?" and she said "We did by the time the cops showed up."

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

hammerhead vs. dentures

Hammerhead: Today I went to get fitted for my dentures and I made sure to let them know that I am very unhappy with them! The dentures they gave me give me buckteeth and I told the dentist "I look like a chinaman!"

Me: Oh. My. God. What did he say then?

Hammerhead: Oh he got real mad and said "This appointment is over!"

Me: Well gee, I wonder why he did that.

Hammerhead: Well...probably because he was Asian.