Tuesday, June 19, 2012

hammerhead vs. pants

Hammerhead summoned me to her desk to supposedly discuss something important but instead told me all about her new pants while I stood in direct line of her fan, which was blowing her hot dog smell right at me.

Hammerhead:  I think I'm really going to like these pants. They've got pockets! But I hate this drawstring thingy around the waist.

Me:  Just pull it out and throw it away.

Hammerhead:  Oh, I can't throw anything away.  Here's what I do with pants drawstrings: instead of throwing em in the poopercan, I collect them all to braid them together and make a cat toy out of em!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

hammerhead vs. esl trainee

A Polish lady who doesn't speak a whole lot of English is receiving instruction from Hammerhead in the art of data entry. She just timidly arrived and was accosted by both Hammerhead and Sharon.

Hammerhead [talking extra loudly in an attempt to bridge the language barrier]: Well, THERE you are. Have a seat!

[Lady sits down.]

Sharon: NO no no, she can't sit in that seat! Anne's still here! That's Anne's seat!

[Lady looks scared and stands back up.]

Hammerhead: NO, it's okay!

[Lady sits back down.]

Sharon: I don't think so, Anne's going to throw a fit! You get another chair!

Hammerhead: (to Sharon) YOU JUST GET OUT OF HERE AND LET ME HANDLE IT!

[Sharon stalks away.]

Hammerhead: (to Polish lady) Now sit down! Put your purse away! That's right, put it right here! NO, right THERE! That's a girl! There you go! Now type your name in this space.

[Polish lady studies the keys.]

Hammerhead: [erupting in wheezing laughter] You don't know your name, huh?

[At this point I put my headphones on cause I feel too sorry for the
lady.]

SCENE

Monday, March 26, 2012

hammerhead vs. MDMA

Hammerhead: Remember those appetite suppressants that were like caramels? Well, they used to make these diet aids and put them in caramel candies and they were so good. Shit, no wonder I couldn't lose any weight on them cause I'd eat the whole box.

Me: Wow. That's like taking a bunch of meth.

Hammerhead: Well they were damn good, whatever they were!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

hammerhead vs. distinguished client

Hammerhead: [to distinguished office visitor waiting to talk to the boss] Would you like some coffee?

Visitor: Why yes, thank you.

Hammerhead: How do you take it?

Visitor: With cream.

Hammerhead: Just cream? No sugar?

Visitor: Right.

Hammerhead: What kind of cream?

Visitor: Uh, just plain old regular cream I guess.

Hammerhead: We have irish coffee cream, vanilla cream, and hazelnut cream.

Visitor: Oh, well then, how about vanilla.

Hammerhead: None of the creams are low-fat, is that okay with you?

Visitor: Um, yes, that's fine.

Hammerhead: Okay, and how much sugar do you take it with?

Visitor: Oh, I don't know, not much. Just a bit.

Hammerhead: You know what, why don't YOU just go get the coffee yourself?

hammerhead vs. the forward button

Hammerhead: Hey, did you get the email that I sent you? The one that had a poem about a guardian angel watching over you?

Me: [through clenched teeth] Yes. Thank you.

Hammerhead: I love those poems. Whenever someone forwards them to me I print them out. I have stacks and stacks of them!

Friday, February 24, 2012

hammerhead vs. dr. atkins

Hammerhead: I got me this bag of Philadelphia cream cheese packets at Costco last night. 50 count! It's my new snack.

Me: Cream cheese? All by itself?

Hammerhead: Yeah. You know how I’m on Atkins? Got no carbs. I eat it like this. (She rips open a packet and squirts it into her mouth.)

Me: Oh. My. God.

Hammerhead: Hey, it doesn't have any sugar so LAY OFF.

(At the end of the day I saw the bag in her trash can with two packets left in it, which means she ate forty-eight packets of cream cheese that day.)

Sunday, February 19, 2012

hammerhead vs. downtown julie brown

[Hammerhead is wearing a knee-length blue skirt made out of t-shirt material, a white slip with lace edging hanging way below it, white socks and tennis shoes, bare bumpy veiny legs flapping in the breeze, and an orange t-shirt that said I LOVE MY ATTITUDE PROBLEM. She and the new lady are discussing their new favorite show "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here."]

Hammerhead: I just love that Downtown Julie Brown. You'd think she'd be a wimp because she has a British accent, but she completes all her missions!

New Lady: And Melissa Rivers wore a diaper full of maggots!

Hammerhead: Yeah! She groused about it, but she got the job done!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

hammerhead vs. communal chocolate

Bethany: One of the doctors sent us Godiva for Valentine's. So there are 12 chocolates and 12 people in the office so everyone take only one.

Hammerhead: Oh you know I can't do that.

[She grabs two and puts them both in her mouth.]

Bethany: Hammerhead! That's not fair! And you have diabetes!

[Hammerhead pretends not to hear her. Five minutes later she skulks over to the Godiva box and takes another one.]

Bethany: That's it, Hammerhead. I'm putting the box away.

Hammerhead: Can I at least have the box when it's empty?

Monday, January 30, 2012

hammerhead vs. fender bender

Hammerhead: Did you hear about the big wreck on I-5 last night? Well, my daughter was in the middle of it.

Me: OH MY GOD! Is she okay?

Hammerhead: Yeah, she's fine. She's real heavy. She's got a lot of padding. They got in the wreck cause they'd been drinking. And I asked "Did you have your seatbelts on?" and she said "We did by the time the cops showed up."

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

hammerhead vs. dentures

Hammerhead: Today I went to get fitted for my dentures and I made sure to let them know that I am very unhappy with them! The dentures they gave me give me buckteeth and I told the dentist "I look like a chinaman!"

Me: Oh. My. God. What did he say then?

Hammerhead: Oh he got real mad and said "This appointment is over!"

Me: Well gee, I wonder why he did that.

Hammerhead: Well...probably because he was Asian.

Friday, December 30, 2011

hammerhead vs. foreigners

Hammerhead: I'm sick of these foreigners here! I HATE CALLING A BUSINESS AND NOT BEING ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE PERSON YOU'RE TALKING TO BECAUSE THEY'RE FOREIGN AND I'M SICK OF ASKING TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND!

Ann the Brit: Hammerhead, we can talk without shouting. Do you understand this? We can discuss without shouting. People may be walking by in the hall.

Hammerhead: Yes, but I'm just VERY ADAMANT about my country!

Ann the Brit: Do you understand what I'm saying, though?

Hammerhead: I don't think I'm shouting though. We just shouldn't allow ANYONE from other countries over here. It's not right.

Me: Ann's a foreigner.

Hammerhead: Yes, but Ann can speak English!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

hammerhead vs. fiber

Me: (talking out loud to no one in particular) Crap, I can't find the listing for this diagnosis.

Hammerhead: What's the diagnosis?

Me: (wondering if I should even bring this up with Hammerhead) Um, black stool.

Hammerhead: Maybe he ate a bunch of spinach and artichoke hearts. That always makes MY stool black.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

hammerhead vs. management

Two manager types who have doctoral degrees just came into the office looking for one of the supervisors.

Managers: Where is Cheryl?

Hammerhead: WHAT?

Managers: Uh, Cheryl? Is she here?

Hammerhead: OH! CHERYL! Well…I don’t know. I don’t think so. No, probably not. Well, I don’t really know. She worked yesterday but I’m not real sure about her schedule —

Managers: [cutting her off] Well, can we leave a message for her?

[Hammerhead hands them a notepad decorated with wolves.]

Hammerhead: I just LOVE wolves! Look at my calendar! It has wolves on every page. I just love their eyes. That’s what gets me about them. My kids got me a wolf bath towel for Christmas. And also a wolf throw pillow. And a wolf cup.

Managers: Okay, thank you for your time. [They edge towards the door.]

Hammerhead: And they said they wanted to get me a wolf shower curtain! And I have lots of wolf figurines.

Managers: Okay, thanks for your help. [They are in the hall by now.]

Hammerhead: [shouting into the hall] And I got a little wolf doll from the gift shop and when you squeeze him he goes “Arooooo!”

Monday, November 28, 2011

hammerhead vs. early call time

Coworker: (to Hammerhead) You're eating spinach? In the morning?

Hammerhead: (mumbling through a mouthful of greenery, the spinach hanging out of her mouth a bit) It's 10 o'clock, I've been here since 4:30!

Coworker: Why do you get here so early?

Hammerhead: (mumbling again and spewing specks of spinach) Cause I HAVE to. I gotta get my work done.

Coworker: Do they tell you to come in that early?

Hammerhead: NO!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

hammerhead vs. the hospital cafeteria

I walk past a conference room and see 4 people sitting there trying to eat while Hammerhead is standing at the head of the table talking. I enter to eavesdrop.

Hammerhead: ...and I saw him put 2/3 as much vegetables in my veggie omelet as he did in the regular omelet! And then he just covered it with cheese. I said, "Excuse me. You are not making it right." And he said "If you don't like it you don't have to buy it." I bought it anyway, but I shoulda called his bluff. I shouldn't go down there though, because I always get in trouble.

Nurse 1: I heard you were banned from going down there.

Nurse 2: Yeah right! How do you get banned from the cafeteria?

Hammerhead: Oh , I was banned because I complained about their poor service. That's all I did, and they told me I couldn't come back. I got upset with the cashier and then they said I had lost my cafeteria privileges. The cashier was SO RUDE to me so I called her an asshole.

Nurse 1: You said that?

Hammerhead: Sure did! And I would do it again!

Monday, September 26, 2011

hammerhead vs. her birthday

Hammerhead turned 61 yesterday. Nobody in our office ever gets any special birthday recognition, but the grandboss bought Hammerhead a present and a card because she's such a squeaky wheel. I signed the card "happy barfday" which puzzled Hammerhead to no end.

Hammerhead: What does barfday mean?
Me: Oh I don't know. Nothing.
Hammerhead: No, what does it mean?
Me: Nothing. Just being silly.
Hammerhead: Oh.

When I came in this morning Hammerhead was sitting at her desk (even though she is not supposed to work Fridays) and pounced on me right away like she'd been up all night wanting to ask me again.

Hammerhead: So tell me again what barfday means?
Me: Huh? Nothing.
Hammerhead: Really? There's no hidden meaning or anything like that?
Me: Nnnnnnnope.
Hammerhead: [eyeing me skeptically] Hmm.

I hid in my office but I was not safe. Ten seconds later she appeared in the doorway.

Hammerhead: Have you been to Claim Jumpers in Tukwila? They have the hugest portions there. I'd say they're...oh...[she struggles to measure with her hands how big they are exactly]...yay big. My daughter took me there last night and I got the chicken fried steak with sausage gravy. They gave me THREE chicken fried steaks. Three! And I also had some of my daughter's bbq ribs. Then they gave us a huge mud pie, about yay high, cause it was my birthday so it was free. And my birthday present from my daughter was that she paid me back $400 of the money she owes me.

Me: Her present was paying you back on what she owed you?

Hammerhead: [triumphantly] Yup!

Monday, August 15, 2011

hammerhead vs. childbirth

Hammerhead: When I went into labor with my fouth kid, my doctor said I'd better get to the hospital right away. But I said no way, I got a newspaper route and I gotta deliver these papers. And I was secretary-treasurer of the bowling league and I had to get some forms to the league because there was a tournament that night. So I delivered all my papers and went by the bowling league and finally I went to the hospital. They even wrote an article about me in the paper. I have it here in my wallet, see?

[She does indeed produce a tattered old news story about it.]

Hammerhead: They ended up taking the baby away but I found her again when she was like 20!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

hammerhead vs. lane bryant

Today Hammerhead is wearing a shirt with leopard-print sleeves and pictures of leaves all over the front with tigers peering from behind them. Their eyes and whiskers are made of gold beads. Today she smells like brie.

Hammerhead: This weekend I got $513 worth of clothes for only $126! I went to Catherine's Womens World and I got this shirt, and some gold pants that I'll wear tomorrow, and some pants with lions and giraffes all over them. And I tried on a fancy white suit that was size 4X, and it was too big for me but there were women in the store who wear that size so I thought "Oops! Better get back in my dressing room before I make them all jealous." And I got a 25% discount because I modeled the clothes.

Me: You modeled them?

Hammerhead: Yeah, you know, I put them on and walked around for people and got the discount. I must have tried on clothes for an hour that first day, then I left in the middle of the union picnic the next day to try more on. Oops! I did not say picnic! I meant CELEBRATION. Cause, you know, you can't say picnic anymore.

Me: You can't?

Hammerhead: Well, you know where the word picnic comes from, don't you? [She is clearly hoping to tell me the whole story.]

Me: Uh...yeah.

Hammerhead: Well, then you know why we can't say it at our union meetings. Cause most of our union members are predominantly, you know...[she whispers]...BLACK.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

hammerhead vs. social graces

ACT ONE

Two nurses are in my office discussing something fairly important. In barges Hammerhead.

Hammerhead: [brutally interrupting] Before I forget! Water hockey! [The nurses go silent and look up in shock.] It's this thing, this game, where you get in the pool and two teams bat a big barrell around. I looked it up on the web and the fire department uses it for training with the hoses. You know, hose training. So that's what water hockey is.

Nurses: Um, okay.

Me: [after Hammerhead leaves] Did that have anything to do with anything?

Nurses: Not at all.

ACT TWO

Hammerhead: [to me, eight months pregnant] Stephanie, I heard on the news that they recovered bodies from that plane crash of parents holding their newborn children.

Me: Thanks for sharing that.

Hammerhead: Well it's true!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

hammerhead vs. scone day

ACT ONE

Hammerhead enters the office carrying two paper bags with grease stains on them, indicating something edible inside that diabetics probably aren't supposed to have. She's also carrying a paper plate with eight things of jelly and ten pats of butter.

Hammerhead: It's scone day in the cafeteria!

Me: Wow, how many did you get?

Hammerhead: Five. I got the biggest ones I could find. Look at this one! [It's truly massive and was obviously meant to be two scones that didn't get cut apart. She smears butter on it and dumps out a thing of jelly and the sucking noise of the jelly makes the scenario even more surreal.] MMMMM!

Nurse: Hammerhead, you're a diabetic. Are you supposed to be eating that?

Hammerhead: [through a mouthful of scone] Get off my back!


ACT TWO

There is a leak in the hallway that Hammerhead has taken a great interest in. After it rains maintenance always puts a bucket under it, but as I walked past it today I saw a sign posted by the bucket...in Hammerhead's handwriting. It says:

"Bucket filled within 2 inches of top at 4:15 am on 11/14.
Bucket filled 3/4 of the way to the top at 4:45 am on 11/15.
Questions? See BARB in next office."