Thursday, June 30, 2011

hammerhead vs. lane bryant

Today Hammerhead is wearing a shirt with leopard-print sleeves and pictures of leaves all over the front with tigers peering from behind them. Their eyes and whiskers are made of gold beads. Today she smells like brie.

Hammerhead: This weekend I got $513 worth of clothes for only $126! I went to Catherine's Womens World and I got this shirt, and some gold pants that I'll wear tomorrow, and some pants with lions and giraffes all over them. And I tried on a fancy white suit that was size 4X, and it was too big for me but there were women in the store who wear that size so I thought "Oops! Better get back in my dressing room before I make them all jealous." And I got a 25% discount because I modeled the clothes.

Me: You modeled them?

Hammerhead: Yeah, you know, I put them on and walked around for people and got the discount. I must have tried on clothes for an hour that first day, then I left in the middle of the union picnic the next day to try more on. Oops! I did not say picnic! I meant CELEBRATION. Cause, you know, you can't say picnic anymore.

Me: You can't?

Hammerhead: Well, you know where the word picnic comes from, don't you? [She is clearly hoping to tell me the whole story.]

Me: Uh...yeah.

Hammerhead: Well, then you know why we can't say it at our union meetings. Cause most of our union members are predominantly, you know...[she whispers]...BLACK.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

hammerhead vs. social graces

ACT ONE

Two nurses are in my office discussing something fairly important. In barges Hammerhead.

Hammerhead: [brutally interrupting] Before I forget! Water hockey! [The nurses go silent and look up in shock.] It's this thing, this game, where you get in the pool and two teams bat a big barrell around. I looked it up on the web and the fire department uses it for training with the hoses. You know, hose training. So that's what water hockey is.

Nurses: Um, okay.

Me: [after Hammerhead leaves] Did that have anything to do with anything?

Nurses: Not at all.

ACT TWO

Hammerhead: [to me, eight months pregnant] Stephanie, I heard on the news that they recovered bodies from that plane crash of parents holding their newborn children.

Me: Thanks for sharing that.

Hammerhead: Well it's true!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

hammerhead vs. scone day

ACT ONE

Hammerhead enters the office carrying two paper bags with grease stains on them, indicating something edible inside that diabetics probably aren't supposed to have. She's also carrying a paper plate with eight things of jelly and ten pats of butter.

Hammerhead: It's scone day in the cafeteria!

Me: Wow, how many did you get?

Hammerhead: Five. I got the biggest ones I could find. Look at this one! [It's truly massive and was obviously meant to be two scones that didn't get cut apart. She smears butter on it and dumps out a thing of jelly and the sucking noise of the jelly makes the scenario even more surreal.] MMMMM!

Nurse: Hammerhead, you're a diabetic. Are you supposed to be eating that?

Hammerhead: [through a mouthful of scone] Get off my back!


ACT TWO

There is a leak in the hallway that Hammerhead has taken a great interest in. After it rains maintenance always puts a bucket under it, but as I walked past it today I saw a sign posted by the bucket...in Hammerhead's handwriting. It says:

"Bucket filled within 2 inches of top at 4:15 am on 11/14.
Bucket filled 3/4 of the way to the top at 4:45 am on 11/15.
Questions? See BARB in next office."

Thursday, June 9, 2011

hammerhead vs. the new lady

ACT ONE

There's a really old computer we use to send study findings to the government. The computer is from 1987 and the government just sent us a new Dell.

Hammerhead: Stephanie! Find out if they want the computer back! Because if they don't want it, I'll take it!

Me: I know you will.

Hammerhead: I have hardly enough room to walk around in my apartment as it is, but I can't pass up free stuff.

Me: Are you sure you need it?

Hammerehad: Maybe not, but I WANT it! [Erupts into wheezing, hacking laughter.]

Me: Why do you want something that has a floppy drive on it?

Hammerhead: JUST ASK THEM IF I CAN HAVE IT!

[So I did.]

Me: They said it's ancient and they don't want it back.

Hammerhead: Oh goody! I have a friend who restores computers! He's going to fix it right up. I can't wait!

New Lady: Stephanie, you be sure to get it in writing from the government. They'll probably come back and try to reclaim it.

Me: But it has a floppy drive. I really really doubt they'll want it
back.

New Lady: YOU GET IT IN WRITING!

ACT TWO

Hammerhead was sitting at her desk just now when the New Lady walked in.

New Lady [very pleasantly]: Good morning!

Hammerhead [rudely ignorning her greeting]: What is this paper for?

New Lady [bending down to get in her face]: Did I hear good morning? Did I hear good morning?

Hammerhead: Yeah, good morning, what is this paper for?

New Lady: Well, that's more like it!

ACT THREE

Hammerhead just handed the New Lady a report with a mistake on it.

New Lady: What's this?

Hammerhead: You're supposed to see what you did wrong.

New Lady: WHAT? WHO GAVE YOU THIS?

Hammerhead: [making her volume match New Lady's] DARLENE DID!

New Lady: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT!

Hammerhead: WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, GODDAMMIT!

[Hammerhead goes to fish something out of the recycle bin]

New Lady: DON'T STICK YOUR HAND IN THERE!