Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Hammerhead vs. the cleaning personnel

Hammerhead is having a bowl of spaghetti with extra garlic for breakfast. Enter people to clean the carpets. They are using a really loud vacuum cleaner and seem pretty focused. HH wants to interrupt them anyway.

Hammerhead: Hi! Hi!

Vacuumer guy: [turns off vacuum] Yes?

Hammerhead: You vacuuming?

Guy: Uh, yes I am.

Hammerhead: Well, I was just wanting to show you my new cell phone. It looks gray most of the time, but it glints in the light!

Guy: Uh, that's neat.

Hammerhead: It rings the William Tell Overture! Oh, can you get this piece of spaghetti I dropped on the floor? [As if she can't bend over and pick it up herself.]

Guy: Um, sure.

Hammerhead: Thanks so much. I really appreciate it.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Hammerhead vs. her blood sugar

Hammerhead: I'm going down to the cafeteria to see if I want to be bad.

Ann: What do you mean?

Hammerhead: I mean something that I shouldn't be eating because of my diabetes. Yesterday I didn't eat lunch or dinner. By the time I got to my union meeting I was starving. There was a man there who was eating french fries and I said to him, "You will give me one of those fries. Because if you don't, I will leap across the table and pry one from your cold, dead fingers." And he said "Oh, okay then!"

Ann: You shouldn't go that long without eating. Especially if you're diabetic. And when you do eat you shouldn't eat sugar.

Hammerhead: Well, I just take extra insulin if I do. Every so often I get around it, you know? I just couldn't get up this morning. I screwed up my blood sugar again. After my union meeting I went to Albertson's, and they were having a sale on key lime pies. So I bought two and then I went home and had key lime pie for dinner. But I left enough of them so I couldn't say I ate them both.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Hammerhead vs. Kathie Lee Gifford

Hammerhead turned on marching band music playing Christmas songs and started doing tae-bo.

Hammerhead: Looky! I'm getting my blood pumping! [Kick kick, punch punch. We stare in horror.] I did this with the new temp yesterday. We sure had fun! [Kick, punch, quivering of back fat. The aroma of Tacoma rises from her pores.] Stephanie, this is what you need to do if you want to go into labor. [I'm 8 months pregnant at the time.]

Me: What music is that?

Hammerhead: It's a sort of medley!

Me: You should put on your Kathie Lee Gifford CD.

Hammerhead: Kathie Lee doesn't ENERGIZE me. GOD.

Hammerhead vs. marriage

[I came back from lunch and there was a huge bouquet of roses on a table near HH's desk.]

Me: Whose roses are those?

Coworker: They're from Chris's husband, it's their 20th anniversary.

Hammerhead: Dammit! I want roses!

Coworker: You should have been married for 20 years then.

Hammerhead: I tried three times. Noooo thank you.

Coworker: You were married three times?

Hammerhead: Yup! And the last two were BROTHERS!

Hammerhead vs. the boss' anniversary

[The CFO came to wait for a meeting with our boss.]

CFO: My, what beautiful roses.

Boss: Oh aren't they, they're from my husband, it's our -- [she is brutally interrupted by HH]

Hammerhead: THEY'RE MINE! HA HA HA!

Boss: [trying to pretend Hammerhead isn't there] Yes, it's our 20th anniv --

Hammerhead: THEY'RE FROM MY SECRET ADMIRER! HEEEEEEEEEE! [This time she laughs only by wheezing.]

Boss: [realizing she really needs to escape if she is to maintain any shred of professionalism] So let's go down to the conference room...


Hammerhead vs. Starbucks

Leah: I caught hell from Hammerhead for making Starbucks instead of Yuban in her sacred coffee pot in the break room.

Me: What? Yuban blows.

Leah: Well, she came down to my office and said not to mess with her coffee system, and that she can only drink "good" coffee, not that Starbucks crap.

Hammerhead vs. Laffy Taffy

Hammerhead: Oh, there is the cutest poem on the back of this bag of taffy! Let me read it to you! (Everyone is massively busy but she reads anyway.) "Tipsy tipsy taffy makes me very laffy. Jump around and clappy, all because of taffy. Sing a song and make it snappy, all because of Laffy Taffy." Isn't that so cute? (She laughs in hacks and wheezes.)

(Enter head boss, walking rapidly to her desk.)

Hammerhead: Oh, you missed the poem! Let me read it to you! It is so cute.

Boss: Um, later, okay?

Hammerhead: Well, okay, but don't forget. It is PRECIOUS!

Hammerhead vs. the shared computer

[I need to look up a statistic on a computer that is in Hammerhead's corner. It's not her primary computer, and in fact is as much mine as it is hers, but she will not let me touch it when she is around.]

Me: Hammerhead, I just need to get something off this computer real fast. (Instead of scooting over and letting me do it, she stops what she's doing and whirls around.)

Hammerhead: HUH? What do you need exactly?

Me: Just to look at a screen. (The monitor is off so I turn it on.)

Hammerhead: What did you do??? You turned it off!

Me: It's making noise. (I move the mouse to turn off the screensaver.)

Hammerhead: IT'LL COME! IT'LL COME!

Me: It will now that I moved the mouse. (The screen comes up.)

Hammerhead: This computer has a BLACK SCREEN TENDENCY. Now what is it that you need?

Me: To find out how many reportable cases we had in June.

Hammerhead: In the MONTH of June? In the month of June ITSELF??

Hammerhead vs. my long-distance phone call

I pick up the phone and am dialing as Hammerhead comes in. She stops short 2 inches away from me and stands there while I sit at my desk. I say "Hi Joel, I'm calling about the domestic injury cases." She knows good and well that Joel is in Washington D.C. and it should be obvious this call will take awhile. Still she stands there, looming over me. She's so close I can see her torso move as she breathes. She lifts up her shirt and scratches her belly and the scaly sound is RIGHT in my ear. She stands there for the entire 5 minute phone call. When I finally hang up I say "Did you need something?" and she says "There's cupcakes in the breakroom."

Hammerhead vs. missing document

Hammerhead: I was supposed to be out of the office an hour ago but I GOTTA FIND THIS DOCUMENT ON SHARON'S COMPUTER!

Me: Actually, you don't need to fill out that document - I just send an email. It's a lot faster and easier that way.

Hammerhead: But I NEED the document! And I gotta pee so bad but I GOTTA find it.

Me: Why do you feel like you need to find it?

Hammerhead: BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S ON HERE SOMEWHERE! God, I gotta pee.

Hammerhead vs. airport security

Hammerhead: I'm exhausted. I just got back from our union meeting in San Francisco.

Me: How was your trip?

Hammerhead: It woulda been a lot better if they had told me not to lock the locks on my luggage. Security ended up breaking all of them! I found this out when I got off the plane in San Fran. So I marched over to the counter and said "If you don't want the whole airport to hear me yelling, you'd better take me someplace private." So they took me in a little room and I explained to them that one of the locks had been my mother's and it was PURELY ORNAMENTAL. And it was missing! Then I found it later in my bag. Whew.

Hammerhead vs. the dress code

[Today Hammerhead is wearing a knee-length blue skirt made out of t-shirt material, with a white satin slip with lace edging hanging way below it. She has on socks and tennis shoes with no stockings, leaving her bumpy, veiny legs to flap in the breeze, and an orange t-shirt that said I LOVE MY ATTITUDE PROBLEM. She and The New Lady were discussing their new favorite show, "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here."]

New Lady: I just love that Downtown Julie Brown. You'd think she'd be a wimp because she has a British accent, but she completes all her missions!

Hammerhead: And Melissa Rivers wore a diaper full of maggots!

New Lady: Yeah! She groused about it, but she got the job done!

Hammerhead vs. partial hysterectomy

[Last night I stopped by work and Hammerhead was there, brewing coffee on her desk.]

Me: When did you get a coffee maker in here?

Hammerhead: A long time ago! Where have you been? I drink a whole pot every night. And look in here...(she opens an overhead cabinet)...I got a full-size microwave too! Except the management said that I can't use it because they don't want cooking going on in the office. And I said, "It's not cooking, it's REHEATING!"

Me: [taking note of a fountain on her desk that runs water through it] When did you get that fountain?

Hammerhead: Oh, I just love it! It relaxes me. Well, it also makes me have to pee, especially since I drink a pot of coffee each night. I'm telling you, since I had my hysterectomy, I can't hold number one OR two!

Me: Oh my.

Hammerhead: Well, I only had a partial hysterectomy - they took my uteruses [sic] and my cervix out. And ever since then I can't hold nothin'. So when I feel the urge, I gotta RUN! Because more than once it's gone past the point of no return, if you know what I mean!

Hammerhead vs. The Cheesecake Factory

[After months of radio silence from Hammerhead, I encountered her last night. I went into work super late and she was there doing her night shift.]

Me: Did you have a good birthday?

Hammerhead: Yeah, my daughter took me to the Drift On Inn for breakfast and she bought me some Mount St. Helen's ash earrings! They're made out of the ash from Mount St. Helen's! Then we went to the Cheesecake Factory and I picked out four flavors of cheesecake I wanted, but my daughter said she was only buying me one. It's okay though, because I stole a menu and now I can check off which flavors I've tried.

Hammerhead vs. the car dealership

Hammerhead: Lott's was having a car sale so I went on down there and got me a 2002 Chevy Tahoe pickup truck!

Me: Wow, a brand new one?

Hammerhead: Yup! But after I drove it home they called me and said that the financing didn't go through that that I would have to bring the truck back. And I told them, "You won't be getting your truck back, you'll be hearing from my lawyers!"

Hammerhead vs. customer service

Hammerhead: [on the phone] How many people have you got working over there, anyway? 500? There can’t be that many! You have transferred me so many times that I’m beginning to think you’re running a racket over there. What I want is to hang up and for you to call me to see if the call comes through. Yes. I’m very concerned about my cell phone because the date and the time disappear and all it says is “Verizon.” I don’t care about the word Verizon, I need to know the date and time! Not that my phone is Verizon! I KNOW my phone is Verizon! All right, all right, listen here. I’m going to hang up and you’re going to call me so I can PROVE to you that my phone isn’t working. YES, I RECHARGED IT!! JESUS CHRIST!!

Hammerhead vs. work conferences

Boss: Stephanie, do you want to go to a conference next week?

Me: Do I have to?

Hammerhead: Why does everyone get to go to conferences except me? I’m starting to feel LEFT OUT.

Boss: We’ll find a conference for you to go to.

Hammerhead: WHEN?

Boss: We’ll know it when we see it.

Hammerhead: You’ve been saying that forever!

Me: They’re not all that great.


Hammerhead vs. the family portrait

Hammerhead: We’re getting a family portrait done on Sunday.

New Lady: Are you going to get your hair done?

Hammerhead: NO. I don’t do that! I do NOT get my hair done!

New Lady: Oh.

Hammerhead: Well, I might go to my friend’s house and have her perm the back.

Me: Just the back? [visions of mullets dance in my head]

New Lady: What are you going to wear?

Hammerhead: Clothes.

New Lady: Well, I KNOW. What kind of clothes? Aren’t you all going to get coordinated?

Hammerhead: No. I’m just worried about what my son’s going to wear. He’ll probably show up in his mover’s uniform.

Hammerhead vs. pedicures

Boss: I’m going to get a pedicure tomorrow.

[Everyone oohs and ahhs in a congratulatory brown-nosing fashion.]

Hammerhead: Well, once I went to get a pedicure and the lady refused to touch my feet because of my snaggletoe! And on my left foot the bones stick out!

[Conversation stops short.]