Friday, December 30, 2011

hammerhead vs. foreigners

Hammerhead: I'm sick of these foreigners here! I HATE CALLING A BUSINESS AND NOT BEING ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE PERSON YOU'RE TALKING TO BECAUSE THEY'RE FOREIGN AND I'M SICK OF ASKING TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND!

Ann the Brit: Hammerhead, we can talk without shouting. Do you understand this? We can discuss without shouting. People may be walking by in the hall.

Hammerhead: Yes, but I'm just VERY ADAMANT about my country!

Ann the Brit: Do you understand what I'm saying, though?

Hammerhead: I don't think I'm shouting though. We just shouldn't allow ANYONE from other countries over here. It's not right.

Me: Ann's a foreigner.

Hammerhead: Yes, but Ann can speak English!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

hammerhead vs. fiber

Me: (talking out loud to no one in particular) Crap, I can't find the listing for this diagnosis.

Hammerhead: What's the diagnosis?

Me: (wondering if I should even bring this up with Hammerhead) Um, black stool.

Hammerhead: Maybe he ate a bunch of spinach and artichoke hearts. That always makes MY stool black.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

hammerhead vs. management

Two manager types who have doctoral degrees just came into the office looking for one of the supervisors.

Managers: Where is Cheryl?

Hammerhead: WHAT?

Managers: Uh, Cheryl? Is she here?

Hammerhead: OH! CHERYL! Well…I don’t know. I don’t think so. No, probably not. Well, I don’t really know. She worked yesterday but I’m not real sure about her schedule —

Managers: [cutting her off] Well, can we leave a message for her?

[Hammerhead hands them a notepad decorated with wolves.]

Hammerhead: I just LOVE wolves! Look at my calendar! It has wolves on every page. I just love their eyes. That’s what gets me about them. My kids got me a wolf bath towel for Christmas. And also a wolf throw pillow. And a wolf cup.

Managers: Okay, thank you for your time. [They edge towards the door.]

Hammerhead: And they said they wanted to get me a wolf shower curtain! And I have lots of wolf figurines.

Managers: Okay, thanks for your help. [They are in the hall by now.]

Hammerhead: [shouting into the hall] And I got a little wolf doll from the gift shop and when you squeeze him he goes “Arooooo!”

Monday, November 28, 2011

hammerhead vs. early call time

Coworker: (to Hammerhead) You're eating spinach? In the morning?

Hammerhead: (mumbling through a mouthful of greenery, the spinach hanging out of her mouth a bit) It's 10 o'clock, I've been here since 4:30!

Coworker: Why do you get here so early?

Hammerhead: (mumbling again and spewing specks of spinach) Cause I HAVE to. I gotta get my work done.

Coworker: Do they tell you to come in that early?

Hammerhead: NO!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

hammerhead vs. the hospital cafeteria

I walk past a conference room and see 4 people sitting there trying to eat while Hammerhead is standing at the head of the table talking. I enter to eavesdrop.

Hammerhead: ...and I saw him put 2/3 as much vegetables in my veggie omelet as he did in the regular omelet! And then he just covered it with cheese. I said, "Excuse me. You are not making it right." And he said "If you don't like it you don't have to buy it." I bought it anyway, but I shoulda called his bluff. I shouldn't go down there though, because I always get in trouble.

Nurse 1: I heard you were banned from going down there.

Nurse 2: Yeah right! How do you get banned from the cafeteria?

Hammerhead: Oh , I was banned because I complained about their poor service. That's all I did, and they told me I couldn't come back. I got upset with the cashier and then they said I had lost my cafeteria privileges. The cashier was SO RUDE to me so I called her an asshole.

Nurse 1: You said that?

Hammerhead: Sure did! And I would do it again!

Monday, September 26, 2011

hammerhead vs. her birthday

Hammerhead turned 61 yesterday. Nobody in our office ever gets any special birthday recognition, but the grandboss bought Hammerhead a present and a card because she's such a squeaky wheel. I signed the card "happy barfday" which puzzled Hammerhead to no end.

Hammerhead: What does barfday mean?
Me: Oh I don't know. Nothing.
Hammerhead: No, what does it mean?
Me: Nothing. Just being silly.
Hammerhead: Oh.

When I came in this morning Hammerhead was sitting at her desk (even though she is not supposed to work Fridays) and pounced on me right away like she'd been up all night wanting to ask me again.

Hammerhead: So tell me again what barfday means?
Me: Huh? Nothing.
Hammerhead: Really? There's no hidden meaning or anything like that?
Me: Nnnnnnnope.
Hammerhead: [eyeing me skeptically] Hmm.

I hid in my office but I was not safe. Ten seconds later she appeared in the doorway.

Hammerhead: Have you been to Claim Jumpers in Tukwila? They have the hugest portions there. I'd say they're...oh...[she struggles to measure with her hands how big they are exactly]...yay big. My daughter took me there last night and I got the chicken fried steak with sausage gravy. They gave me THREE chicken fried steaks. Three! And I also had some of my daughter's bbq ribs. Then they gave us a huge mud pie, about yay high, cause it was my birthday so it was free. And my birthday present from my daughter was that she paid me back $400 of the money she owes me.

Me: Her present was paying you back on what she owed you?

Hammerhead: [triumphantly] Yup!

Monday, August 15, 2011

hammerhead vs. childbirth

Hammerhead: When I went into labor with my fouth kid, my doctor said I'd better get to the hospital right away. But I said no way, I got a newspaper route and I gotta deliver these papers. And I was secretary-treasurer of the bowling league and I had to get some forms to the league because there was a tournament that night. So I delivered all my papers and went by the bowling league and finally I went to the hospital. They even wrote an article about me in the paper. I have it here in my wallet, see?

[She does indeed produce a tattered old news story about it.]

Hammerhead: They ended up taking the baby away but I found her again when she was like 20!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

hammerhead vs. lane bryant

Today Hammerhead is wearing a shirt with leopard-print sleeves and pictures of leaves all over the front with tigers peering from behind them. Their eyes and whiskers are made of gold beads. Today she smells like brie.

Hammerhead: This weekend I got $513 worth of clothes for only $126! I went to Catherine's Womens World and I got this shirt, and some gold pants that I'll wear tomorrow, and some pants with lions and giraffes all over them. And I tried on a fancy white suit that was size 4X, and it was too big for me but there were women in the store who wear that size so I thought "Oops! Better get back in my dressing room before I make them all jealous." And I got a 25% discount because I modeled the clothes.

Me: You modeled them?

Hammerhead: Yeah, you know, I put them on and walked around for people and got the discount. I must have tried on clothes for an hour that first day, then I left in the middle of the union picnic the next day to try more on. Oops! I did not say picnic! I meant CELEBRATION. Cause, you know, you can't say picnic anymore.

Me: You can't?

Hammerhead: Well, you know where the word picnic comes from, don't you? [She is clearly hoping to tell me the whole story.]

Me: Uh...yeah.

Hammerhead: Well, then you know why we can't say it at our union meetings. Cause most of our union members are predominantly, you know...[she whispers]...BLACK.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

hammerhead vs. social graces

ACT ONE

Two nurses are in my office discussing something fairly important. In barges Hammerhead.

Hammerhead: [brutally interrupting] Before I forget! Water hockey! [The nurses go silent and look up in shock.] It's this thing, this game, where you get in the pool and two teams bat a big barrell around. I looked it up on the web and the fire department uses it for training with the hoses. You know, hose training. So that's what water hockey is.

Nurses: Um, okay.

Me: [after Hammerhead leaves] Did that have anything to do with anything?

Nurses: Not at all.

ACT TWO

Hammerhead: [to me, eight months pregnant] Stephanie, I heard on the news that they recovered bodies from that plane crash of parents holding their newborn children.

Me: Thanks for sharing that.

Hammerhead: Well it's true!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

hammerhead vs. scone day

ACT ONE

Hammerhead enters the office carrying two paper bags with grease stains on them, indicating something edible inside that diabetics probably aren't supposed to have. She's also carrying a paper plate with eight things of jelly and ten pats of butter.

Hammerhead: It's scone day in the cafeteria!

Me: Wow, how many did you get?

Hammerhead: Five. I got the biggest ones I could find. Look at this one! [It's truly massive and was obviously meant to be two scones that didn't get cut apart. She smears butter on it and dumps out a thing of jelly and the sucking noise of the jelly makes the scenario even more surreal.] MMMMM!

Nurse: Hammerhead, you're a diabetic. Are you supposed to be eating that?

Hammerhead: [through a mouthful of scone] Get off my back!


ACT TWO

There is a leak in the hallway that Hammerhead has taken a great interest in. After it rains maintenance always puts a bucket under it, but as I walked past it today I saw a sign posted by the bucket...in Hammerhead's handwriting. It says:

"Bucket filled within 2 inches of top at 4:15 am on 11/14.
Bucket filled 3/4 of the way to the top at 4:45 am on 11/15.
Questions? See BARB in next office."

Thursday, June 9, 2011

hammerhead vs. the new lady

ACT ONE

There's a really old computer we use to send study findings to the government. The computer is from 1987 and the government just sent us a new Dell.

Hammerhead: Stephanie! Find out if they want the computer back! Because if they don't want it, I'll take it!

Me: I know you will.

Hammerhead: I have hardly enough room to walk around in my apartment as it is, but I can't pass up free stuff.

Me: Are you sure you need it?

Hammerehad: Maybe not, but I WANT it! [Erupts into wheezing, hacking laughter.]

Me: Why do you want something that has a floppy drive on it?

Hammerhead: JUST ASK THEM IF I CAN HAVE IT!

[So I did.]

Me: They said it's ancient and they don't want it back.

Hammerhead: Oh goody! I have a friend who restores computers! He's going to fix it right up. I can't wait!

New Lady: Stephanie, you be sure to get it in writing from the government. They'll probably come back and try to reclaim it.

Me: But it has a floppy drive. I really really doubt they'll want it
back.

New Lady: YOU GET IT IN WRITING!

ACT TWO

Hammerhead was sitting at her desk just now when the New Lady walked in.

New Lady [very pleasantly]: Good morning!

Hammerhead [rudely ignorning her greeting]: What is this paper for?

New Lady [bending down to get in her face]: Did I hear good morning? Did I hear good morning?

Hammerhead: Yeah, good morning, what is this paper for?

New Lady: Well, that's more like it!

ACT THREE

Hammerhead just handed the New Lady a report with a mistake on it.

New Lady: What's this?

Hammerhead: You're supposed to see what you did wrong.

New Lady: WHAT? WHO GAVE YOU THIS?

Hammerhead: [making her volume match New Lady's] DARLENE DID!

New Lady: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT!

Hammerhead: WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, GODDAMMIT!

[Hammerhead goes to fish something out of the recycle bin]

New Lady: DON'T STICK YOUR HAND IN THERE!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

hammerhead vs. esl trainee

A Polish lady who doesn't speak a whole lot of English is receiving
instruction from Hammerhead in the art of data entry. She just timidly arrived and was accosted by both Hammerhead and Sharon.

Hammerhead [talking extra loudly in an attempt to bridge the language
barrier]: Well, THERE you are. Have a seat!

[Lady sits down.]

Sharon: NO no no, she can't sit in that seat! Anne's still here! That's
Anne's seat!

[Lady looks scared and stands back up.]

Hammerhead: NO, it's okay!

[Lady sits back down.]

Sharon: I don't think so, Anne's going to throw a fit! You get another
chair!

Hammeread to Sharon: YOU JUST GET OUT OF HERE AND LET ME HANDLE IT!

[Sharon stalks away.]

Hammerhead to Polish lady: Now sit down! Put your purse away! That's right, put it right here! NO, right THERE! That's a girl! There you go! Now type your name in this space.

[Polish lady studies the keys.]

Hammerhead: [erupting in wheezing laughter] You don't know your name, huh?

[At this point I put my headphones on cause I feel too sorry for the
lady.]

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Hammerhead vs. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Hammerhead: What's alopecia?

Me: Hair loss.

Hammerhead: SHHH! SHHHHHHH! Now let me ask Sharon. Sharon, what's alopecia?

Sharon: I don't know.

Hammerhead: HA HA! Stephanie knew what it was right off the bat!

Sharon: So? I don't care.

Hammerhead: Stephanie must have watched the millionaire show last night.

Me: Actually, I never watch that show. Bugs me.

[Hammerhead pulls out a ziploc bag of bacon and puts an entire piece in her mouth.]

Hammerhead: [chewing loudly] Well, last night this young mom went on — she was a single mom, working full time and going to school at nights — well, she went on and they asked her that question and she got it right! She was SO COCKY. Then they asked her who the Sherriff of Nottingham's arch enemy was. [More bacon-y chewing.] And the choices were...Robin Hood...um...oh, I forget the next choice...then Robinson Crusoe...and...oh, I forget the other one. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID?? SHE SAID ROBINSON CRUSOE! Even a child knows the answer to that question!

[A nurse walks past and mutters under her breath, "Jesus, SHUT UP."]

Hammerhead [not hearing her, still busily masticating and spitting bacon shards on the floor in her excitement]: It was because she was so cocky! That's why she lost! That bitch!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

hammerhead vs. the new charge form

Today I was in a meeting with Hammerhead. The meeting was about a new charge form they want to use. Hammerhead's life is the charge form so the impending change has thrown her into a tailspin. In the midst of all the yuppie uber-professional whippersnappers sat Hammerhead, pungent and menacing in her hand-painted howling-wolves-on-a-snowy-landscape shirt, oozing over the arms of her chair, disgusted as Mother Teresa  at a wet t-shirt contest.

Lady in Charge: We will be using this new form with new number combinations.

Hammerhead: WHAT?? THE NEW FORM WILL LOOK LIKE THIS?!

Lady in Charge: [trying to downplay HH's overreacting] Yes, and it will be front and back.

Hammerhead: WHAT?? FRONT AND BACK?? THE ONE WE HAVE NOW ISN'T FRONT AND BACK!!

Lady in Charge: No, and this new one is. It's because the government regulations are changing as of August 1st and we need to change the form. 

Hammerhead: SO I AM GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN THIS NEW FORM?!?!??!?!

Lady in Charge: You'll still enter things the same way, the form just looks different. Stephanie and Sharon are the ones who will be doing the real work.

Hammerhead: BUT I WILL HAVE TO FLIP THE FORM OVER SO THAT I CAN ENTER WHAT'S ON THE BACK, RIGHT??  IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING???

Lady in Charge: [giving up at placating HH] Yes ma'am.

Hammerhead: WELL, JESUS CHRIST!  [HH takes off her glasses, sighs forcibly and  rubs her eyes.]  THIS JUST CHANGES EVERYTHING!!

[Lady in Charge ignores her and tries to keep the meeting moving. Hammerhead soon interrupts when Lady in Charge talks about things the government is now allowing us to charge for.]

Lady in Charge:  We can now make note of ace wrapping and bandages as procedures and charge for them.

Hammerhead: WE HAVEN'T BEEN CHARGING FOR THOSE THIS FAR???

Lady in Charge: Only once they're admitted. We can charge for them but not in the ER because it's considered an ambulatory clinic. 

[Hammerhead looks discombobulated. Her eyes dart around and she starts sputtering word fragments.]

Hammerhead: UP...ON THE...FLOOR THEY'LL,,,CHARGE YOU FOR...JUST...A LITTLE THING OF ASPIRIN!  THEY'LL CHARGE YOU TWENTY BUCKS FOR ASPIRIN!!

LADY IN CHARGE: [ignoring her, trying to stay on the subject] Uh huh...now a  thoracentesis will move the visit to a Level 3.

Hammerhead:  [still fuming over the injustice of inpatient billing] AND IF YOU'RE ADMITTED THEY'LL CHARGE YOU FOR...A TOOTHBRUSH!!  [She rakes her fingers through her hair and it stands on end.  She has a wicked, absent grin.]

Lady in Charge: [visibly rattled by Hammerhead's eerie affect] Uh huh...now an infusion press will also make it a Level 3 visit.

Hammerhead: AND THEY'LL CHARGE YOU FOR...FOR...TOOTHPASTE!  AND COMB!  [She didn't say 'combs' or 'a comb.'  She said 'comb' and she spat it out with vengance.]  THERE'S NO REASON WHY WE CAN'T CHARGE FOR THAT HERE IN THE E.R.!!

Lady in Charge: Well, the government wouldn't let us before, but they will now. That is the point of this meeting.

[Hammerhead’s eyes glazed over and she put her head in her hands and her tongue poked out of her mouth like a resting dog.  I watched her for a minute, then she seemed to snap out of it and made an excuse to leave.  After that the meeting was really boring.]

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Hammerhead vs. the cleaning personnel

Hammerhead is having a bowl of spaghetti with extra garlic for breakfast. Enter people to clean the carpets. They are using a really loud vacuum cleaner and seem pretty focused. HH wants to interrupt them anyway.

Hammerhead: Hi! Hi!

Vacuumer guy: [turns off vacuum] Yes?

Hammerhead: You vacuuming?

Guy: Uh, yes I am.

Hammerhead: Well, I was just wanting to show you my new cell phone. It looks gray most of the time, but it glints in the light!

Guy: Uh, that's neat.

Hammerhead: It rings the William Tell Overture! Oh, can you get this piece of spaghetti I dropped on the floor? [As if she can't bend over and pick it up herself.]

Guy: Um, sure.

Hammerhead: Thanks so much. I really appreciate it.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Hammerhead vs. her blood sugar

Hammerhead: I'm going down to the cafeteria to see if I want to be bad.

Ann: What do you mean?

Hammerhead: I mean something that I shouldn't be eating because of my diabetes. Yesterday I didn't eat lunch or dinner. By the time I got to my union meeting I was starving. There was a man there who was eating french fries and I said to him, "You will give me one of those fries. Because if you don't, I will leap across the table and pry one from your cold, dead fingers." And he said "Oh, okay then!"

Ann: You shouldn't go that long without eating. Especially if you're diabetic. And when you do eat you shouldn't eat sugar.

Hammerhead: Well, I just take extra insulin if I do. Every so often I get around it, you know? I just couldn't get up this morning. I screwed up my blood sugar again. After my union meeting I went to Albertson's, and they were having a sale on key lime pies. So I bought two and then I went home and had key lime pie for dinner. But I left enough of them so I couldn't say I ate them both.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Hammerhead vs. Kathie Lee Gifford

Hammerhead turned on marching band music playing Christmas songs and started doing tae-bo.

Hammerhead: Looky! I'm getting my blood pumping! [Kick kick, punch punch. We stare in horror.] I did this with the new temp yesterday. We sure had fun! [Kick, punch, quivering of back fat. The aroma of Tacoma rises from her pores.] Stephanie, this is what you need to do if you want to go into labor. [I'm 8 months pregnant at the time.]

Me: What music is that?

Hammerhead: It's a sort of medley!

Me: You should put on your Kathie Lee Gifford CD.

Hammerhead: Kathie Lee doesn't ENERGIZE me. GOD.

Hammerhead vs. marriage

[I came back from lunch and there was a huge bouquet of roses on a table near HH's desk.]

Me: Whose roses are those?

Coworker: They're from Chris's husband, it's their 20th anniversary.

Hammerhead: Dammit! I want roses!

Coworker: You should have been married for 20 years then.

Hammerhead: I tried three times. Noooo thank you.

Coworker: You were married three times?

Hammerhead: Yup! And the last two were BROTHERS!

Hammerhead vs. the boss' anniversary

[The CFO came to wait for a meeting with our boss.]

CFO: My, what beautiful roses.

Boss: Oh aren't they, they're from my husband, it's our -- [she is brutally interrupted by HH]

Hammerhead: THEY'RE MINE! HA HA HA!

Boss: [trying to pretend Hammerhead isn't there] Yes, it's our 20th anniv --

Hammerhead: THEY'RE FROM MY SECRET ADMIRER! HEEEEEEEEEE! [This time she laughs only by wheezing.]

Boss: [realizing she really needs to escape if she is to maintain any shred of professionalism] So let's go down to the conference room...

Hammerhead: ACTUALLY THEY'RE FROM MY *OTHER* SECRET ADMIRER! I HAVE TWO, YOU KNOW! HEEEEEEE!!

Hammerhead vs. Starbucks

Leah: I caught hell from Hammerhead for making Starbucks instead of Yuban in her sacred coffee pot in the break room.

Me: What? Yuban blows.

Leah: Well, she came down to my office and said not to mess with her coffee system, and that she can only drink "good" coffee, not that Starbucks crap.

Hammerhead vs. Laffy Taffy

Hammerhead: Oh, there is the cutest poem on the back of this bag of taffy! Let me read it to you! (Everyone is massively busy but she reads anyway.) "Tipsy tipsy taffy makes me very laffy. Jump around and clappy, all because of taffy. Sing a song and make it snappy, all because of Laffy Taffy." Isn't that so cute? (She laughs in hacks and wheezes.)

(Enter head boss, walking rapidly to her desk.)

Hammerhead: Oh, you missed the poem! Let me read it to you! It is so cute.

Boss: Um, later, okay?

Hammerhead: Well, okay, but don't forget. It is PRECIOUS!

Hammerhead vs. the shared computer

[I need to look up a statistic on a computer that is in Hammerhead's corner. It's not her primary computer, and in fact is as much mine as it is hers, but she will not let me touch it when she is around.]

Me: Hammerhead, I just need to get something off this computer real fast. (Instead of scooting over and letting me do it, she stops what she's doing and whirls around.)

Hammerhead: HUH? What do you need exactly?

Me: Just to look at a screen. (The monitor is off so I turn it on.)

Hammerhead: What did you do??? You turned it off!

Me: It's making noise. (I move the mouse to turn off the screensaver.)

Hammerhead: IT'LL COME! IT'LL COME!

Me: It will now that I moved the mouse. (The screen comes up.)

Hammerhead: This computer has a BLACK SCREEN TENDENCY. Now what is it that you need?

Me: To find out how many reportable cases we had in June.

Hammerhead: In the MONTH of June? In the month of June ITSELF??

Hammerhead vs. my long-distance phone call

I pick up the phone and am dialing as Hammerhead comes in. She stops short 2 inches away from me and stands there while I sit at my desk. I say "Hi Joel, I'm calling about the domestic injury cases." She knows good and well that Joel is in Washington D.C. and it should be obvious this call will take awhile. Still she stands there, looming over me. She's so close I can see her torso move as she breathes. She lifts up her shirt and scratches her belly and the scaly sound is RIGHT in my ear. She stands there for the entire 5 minute phone call. When I finally hang up I say "Did you need something?" and she says "There's cupcakes in the breakroom."

Hammerhead vs. missing document

Hammerhead: I was supposed to be out of the office an hour ago but I GOTTA FIND THIS DOCUMENT ON SHARON'S COMPUTER!

Me: Actually, you don't need to fill out that document - I just send an email. It's a lot faster and easier that way.

Hammerhead: But I NEED the document! And I gotta pee so bad but I GOTTA find it.

Me: Why do you feel like you need to find it?

Hammerhead: BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S ON HERE SOMEWHERE! God, I gotta pee.

Hammerhead vs. airport security

Hammerhead: I'm exhausted. I just got back from our union meeting in San Francisco.

Me: How was your trip?

Hammerhead: It woulda been a lot better if they had told me not to lock the locks on my luggage. Security ended up breaking all of them! I found this out when I got off the plane in San Fran. So I marched over to the counter and said "If you don't want the whole airport to hear me yelling, you'd better take me someplace private." So they took me in a little room and I explained to them that one of the locks had been my mother's and it was PURELY ORNAMENTAL. And it was missing! Then I found it later in my bag. Whew.

Hammerhead vs. the dress code

[Today Hammerhead is wearing a knee-length blue skirt made out of t-shirt material, with a white satin slip with lace edging hanging way below it. She has on socks and tennis shoes with no stockings, leaving her bumpy, veiny legs to flap in the breeze, and an orange t-shirt that said I LOVE MY ATTITUDE PROBLEM. She and The New Lady were discussing their new favorite show, "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here."]

New Lady: I just love that Downtown Julie Brown. You'd think she'd be a wimp because she has a British accent, but she completes all her missions!

Hammerhead: And Melissa Rivers wore a diaper full of maggots!

New Lady: Yeah! She groused about it, but she got the job done!

Hammerhead vs. partial hysterectomy

[Last night I stopped by work and Hammerhead was there, brewing coffee on her desk.]

Me: When did you get a coffee maker in here?

Hammerhead: A long time ago! Where have you been? I drink a whole pot every night. And look in here...(she opens an overhead cabinet)...I got a full-size microwave too! Except the management said that I can't use it because they don't want cooking going on in the office. And I said, "It's not cooking, it's REHEATING!"

Me: [taking note of a fountain on her desk that runs water through it] When did you get that fountain?

Hammerhead: Oh, I just love it! It relaxes me. Well, it also makes me have to pee, especially since I drink a pot of coffee each night. I'm telling you, since I had my hysterectomy, I can't hold number one OR two!

Me: Oh my.

Hammerhead: Well, I only had a partial hysterectomy - they took my uteruses [sic] and my cervix out. And ever since then I can't hold nothin'. So when I feel the urge, I gotta RUN! Because more than once it's gone past the point of no return, if you know what I mean!

Hammerhead vs. The Cheesecake Factory

[After months of radio silence from Hammerhead, I encountered her last night. I went into work super late and she was there doing her night shift.]

Me: Did you have a good birthday?

Hammerhead: Yeah, my daughter took me to the Drift On Inn for breakfast and she bought me some Mount St. Helen's ash earrings! They're made out of the ash from Mount St. Helen's! Then we went to the Cheesecake Factory and I picked out four flavors of cheesecake I wanted, but my daughter said she was only buying me one. It's okay though, because I stole a menu and now I can check off which flavors I've tried.

Hammerhead vs. the car dealership

Hammerhead: Lott's was having a car sale so I went on down there and got me a 2002 Chevy Tahoe pickup truck!

Me: Wow, a brand new one?

Hammerhead: Yup! But after I drove it home they called me and said that the financing didn't go through that that I would have to bring the truck back. And I told them, "You won't be getting your truck back, you'll be hearing from my lawyers!"

Hammerhead vs. customer service

Hammerhead: [on the phone] How many people have you got working over there, anyway? 500? There can’t be that many! You have transferred me so many times that I’m beginning to think you’re running a racket over there. What I want is to hang up and for you to call me to see if the call comes through. Yes. I’m very concerned about my cell phone because the date and the time disappear and all it says is “Verizon.” I don’t care about the word Verizon, I need to know the date and time! Not that my phone is Verizon! I KNOW my phone is Verizon! All right, all right, listen here. I’m going to hang up and you’re going to call me so I can PROVE to you that my phone isn’t working. YES, I RECHARGED IT!! JESUS CHRIST!!

Hammerhead vs. work conferences

Boss: Stephanie, do you want to go to a conference next week?

Me: Do I have to?

Hammerhead: Why does everyone get to go to conferences except me? I’m starting to feel LEFT OUT.

Boss: We’ll find a conference for you to go to.

Hammerhead: WHEN?

Boss: We’ll know it when we see it.

Hammerhead: You’ve been saying that forever!

Me: They’re not all that great.

Hammerhead: YOU JUST TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED!

Hammerhead vs. the family portrait

Hammerhead: We’re getting a family portrait done on Sunday.

New Lady: Are you going to get your hair done?

Hammerhead: NO. I don’t do that! I do NOT get my hair done!

New Lady: Oh.

Hammerhead: Well, I might go to my friend’s house and have her perm the back.

Me: Just the back? [visions of mullets dance in my head]

New Lady: What are you going to wear?

Hammerhead: Clothes.

New Lady: Well, I KNOW. What kind of clothes? Aren’t you all going to get coordinated?

Hammerhead: No. I’m just worried about what my son’s going to wear. He’ll probably show up in his mover’s uniform.

Hammerhead vs. pedicures

Boss: I’m going to get a pedicure tomorrow.

[Everyone oohs and ahhs in a congratulatory brown-nosing fashion.]

Hammerhead: Well, once I went to get a pedicure and the lady refused to touch my feet because of my snaggletoe! And on my left foot the bones stick out!

[Conversation stops short.]