Friday, February 24, 2012

hammerhead vs. dr. atkins

Hammerhead: I got me this bag of Philadelphia cream cheese packets at Costco last night. 50 count! It's my new snack.

Me: Cream cheese? All by itself?

Hammerhead: Yeah. You know how I’m on Atkins? Got no carbs. I eat it like this. (She rips open a packet and squirts it into her mouth.)

Me: Oh. My. God.

Hammerhead: Hey, it doesn't have any sugar so LAY OFF.

(At the end of the day I saw the bag in her trash can with two packets left in it, which means she ate forty-eight packets of cream cheese that day.)

Sunday, February 19, 2012

hammerhead vs. downtown julie brown

[Hammerhead is wearing a knee-length blue skirt made out of t-shirt material, a white slip with lace edging hanging way below it, white socks and tennis shoes, bare bumpy veiny legs flapping in the breeze, and an orange t-shirt that said I LOVE MY ATTITUDE PROBLEM. She and the new lady are discussing their new favorite show "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here."]

Hammerhead: I just love that Downtown Julie Brown. You'd think she'd be a wimp because she has a British accent, but she completes all her missions!

New Lady: And Melissa Rivers wore a diaper full of maggots!

Hammerhead: Yeah! She groused about it, but she got the job done!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

hammerhead vs. communal chocolate

Bethany: One of the doctors sent us Godiva for Valentine's. So there are 12 chocolates and 12 people in the office so everyone take only one.

Hammerhead: Oh you know I can't do that.

[She grabs two and puts them both in her mouth.]

Bethany: Hammerhead! That's not fair! And you have diabetes!

[Hammerhead pretends not to hear her. Five minutes later she skulks over to the Godiva box and takes another one.]

Bethany: That's it, Hammerhead. I'm putting the box away.

Hammerhead: Can I at least have the box when it's empty?