Friday, December 30, 2011

hammerhead vs. foreigners

Hammerhead: I'm sick of these foreigners here! I HATE CALLING A BUSINESS AND NOT BEING ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE PERSON YOU'RE TALKING TO BECAUSE THEY'RE FOREIGN AND I'M SICK OF ASKING TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND!

Ann the Brit: Hammerhead, we can talk without shouting. Do you understand this? We can discuss without shouting. People may be walking by in the hall.

Hammerhead: Yes, but I'm just VERY ADAMANT about my country!

Ann the Brit: Do you understand what I'm saying, though?

Hammerhead: I don't think I'm shouting though. We just shouldn't allow ANYONE from other countries over here. It's not right.

Me: Ann's a foreigner.

Hammerhead: Yes, but Ann can speak English!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

hammerhead vs. fiber

Me: (talking out loud to no one in particular) Crap, I can't find the listing for this diagnosis.

Hammerhead: What's the diagnosis?

Me: (wondering if I should even bring this up with Hammerhead) Um, black stool.

Hammerhead: Maybe he ate a bunch of spinach and artichoke hearts. That always makes MY stool black.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

hammerhead vs. management

Two manager types who have doctoral degrees just came into the office looking for one of the supervisors.

Managers: Where is Cheryl?

Hammerhead: WHAT?

Managers: Uh, Cheryl? Is she here?

Hammerhead: OH! CHERYL! Well…I don’t know. I don’t think so. No, probably not. Well, I don’t really know. She worked yesterday but I’m not real sure about her schedule —

Managers: [cutting her off] Well, can we leave a message for her?

[Hammerhead hands them a notepad decorated with wolves.]

Hammerhead: I just LOVE wolves! Look at my calendar! It has wolves on every page. I just love their eyes. That’s what gets me about them. My kids got me a wolf bath towel for Christmas. And also a wolf throw pillow. And a wolf cup.

Managers: Okay, thank you for your time. [They edge towards the door.]

Hammerhead: And they said they wanted to get me a wolf shower curtain! And I have lots of wolf figurines.

Managers: Okay, thanks for your help. [They are in the hall by now.]

Hammerhead: [shouting into the hall] And I got a little wolf doll from the gift shop and when you squeeze him he goes “Arooooo!”