hammerhead vs. the new lady

ACT ONE

There's a really old computer we use to send study findings to the government. The computer is from 1987 and the government just sent us a new Dell.

Hammerhead: Stephanie! Find out if they want the computer back! Because if they don't want it, I'll take it!

Me: I know you will.

Hammerhead: I have hardly enough room to walk around in my apartment as it is, but I can't pass up free stuff.

Me: Are you sure you need it?

Hammerehad: Maybe not, but I WANT it! [Erupts into wheezing, hacking laughter.]

Me: Why do you want something that has a floppy drive on it?

Hammerhead: JUST ASK THEM IF I CAN HAVE IT!

[So I did.]

Me: They said it's ancient and they don't want it back.

Hammerhead: Oh goody! I have a friend who restores computers! He's going to fix it right up. I can't wait!

New Lady: Stephanie, you be sure to get it in writing from the government. They'll probably come back and try to reclaim it.

Me: But it has a floppy drive. I really really doubt they'll want it
back.

New Lady: YOU GET IT IN WRITING!

ACT TWO

Hammerhead was sitting at her desk just now when the New Lady walked in.

New Lady [very pleasantly]: Good morning!

Hammerhead [rudely ignorning her greeting]: What is this paper for?

New Lady [bending down to get in her face]: Did I hear good morning? Did I hear good morning?

Hammerhead: Yeah, good morning, what is this paper for?

New Lady: Well, that's more like it!

ACT THREE

Hammerhead just handed the New Lady a report with a mistake on it.

New Lady: What's this?

Hammerhead: You're supposed to see what you did wrong.

New Lady: WHAT? WHO GAVE YOU THIS?

Hammerhead: [making her volume match New Lady's] DARLENE DID!

New Lady: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT!

Hammerhead: WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, GODDAMMIT!

[Hammerhead goes to fish something out of the recycle bin]

New Lady: DON'T STICK YOUR HAND IN THERE!